I remember finding it hard to stay positive when I was single. It seemed like everyone was in a happy relationship but me! Plus I didn’t really know what to do with myself on weekends or holidays – should I take myself out on a “date,” buy myself flowers, or find a single friend to eat Haagen Dazs with?
In the end, I usually preferred to just take time to focus on being my best self. In case that’s what you’d also like to do, I’ve put together some thoughts on a powerful topic that is downright transformative: mindset. Mindset is fascinating because it’s something you cultivate within, but the work you do ends up manifesting in your actual life.
Here are 3 different kinds of mindsets that affect your dating life, along with tips on how to nurture the mindsets that will help you attract and build a healthy, loving partnership.
Scarcity vs. Abundance Mindset
You might be living with a scarcity mindset if it seems like there is not enough of what you desire available to you. Maybe it seems like “all the good ones are taken” or “there aren’t any masculine men out there.” A scarcity mindset means that deep down you don’t believe your needs can be met.
Unfortunately, seeing the world through this lens often leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy: when you don’t expect your needs to be met, you speak and act in a way that prevents them from being fulfilled.
To combat this, you need to develop an abundance mindset. With an abundance mindset, you fundamentally trust that the universe will provide for you. You don’t need to feel envious or greedy because there is more than enough for everyone – including you. There are plenty of fish in the sea, your life partner will arrive right on time for you, and “there’s a lid for every pot.”
How to Develop an Abundance Mindset for Dating
Here are some simple things you can try to cultivate an abundance mindset:
- Practice gratitude: When you intentionally appreciate what you already have, you will immediately start to feel rich by getting in touch with the miracle that is life.
- Celebrate success: Not only your own success but also the success of anyone who has what you want! Switch from focusing on feelings of envy to celebrating what’s possible. If someone else can have a happy, harmonious relationship, then you can too.
- Be generous: By giving more you will train yourself to see how much you really have and get over the fear of not having enough.
Fixed vs. Growth Mindset
Psychologist Carol Dweck researched two opposing mindsets that relate to how people perceive their talents and abilities. People with a fixed mindset see intelligence and talent as things that are relatively fixed – you either have them or you don’t. If you are talented at something by nature, you got lucky and should enjoy your good fortune. If you aren’t good at something, there isn’t much point in trying to change.
For example, “some women are natural flirts with magnetic personalities who always have men drooling over them. That’s just never been me.” encapsulates a fixed mindset.
On the other hand, people with a growth mindset believe (like, really believe) that dedication and effort allow us to improve – natural talents are just a starting point. Flirting is a skill that can be learned and practiced, like any other. And so called “bad dates” are opportunities to learn how to relate differently to one another.
An interesting outcome of Dweck’s research is that people with growth mindsets end up outperforming people with fixed mindsets in the long run. The resilience, tenacity, and work ethic that go along with a growth mindset trumps natural talent. This is so important because it means the old fundamentals of consistent practice and hard work – which are accessible to everyone – will get you where you want to be.
How to Develop a Growth Mindset for Dating
A growth mindset sounds pretty great, so how do you get one? Here are some tips:
- Reward your effort: Give yourself a reward or pat on the back when you work hard for something, regardless of the outcome. Celebrate the things you can control, like the fact that you went on a date this week, regardless of how it went.
- Push yourself: Get out of your comfort zone. People with a fixed mindset often get stuck in a rut of just doing what they already know they are good at. You can build resilience by trying new things, regardless of your current abilities.
- Newbie acceptance: As my former yoga teacher trainer humorously put it, remember that everyone goes through “the period of sucking” when learning something new! If you haven’t dated in a while and are finding dates awkward – well OF COURSE they seem awkward. It’s a different setting and dynamic than you are used to, but get a couple of practice dates under your belt and you will notice things shift.
Directive vs. Receptive Mindset
When you are going to work every day – solving problems and making tough decisions – only to come home to a bunch of chores and a needed plan for dinner, it’s easy to spend time in a directive mindset. A directive mindset lets you take charge and get things done. It’s very helpful when you want to be productive and efficient.
The question is – is that the mindset you want to be in when you are in a relationship? Do you want to be the initiator, the plan-maker, the person calling the shots? Or when it comes to an intimate partnership, would you prefer to relax and be taken care of? Would you rather someone else come up with the plans and invite you to join?
If you’d rather be the prize to be won instead of the pursuer while dating (see my free dating guide for more details on this), you’ll need to cultivate a receptive mindset so that you are not clashing with your partner. If you think of a waltz, it goes most smoothly when one person leads and the other shines as they follow. With a receptive mindset, you’ll feel comfortable graciously accepting what is offered to you.
Having a receptive mindset means you recognize you are worthy of love, just for being who you are. You don’t need to win anyone over or give to impress. You can accept someone’s care and are okay to go with the flow, even when things are not happening as you would have planned them yourself.
How to Develop a Receptive Mindset for Dating
Here are some tips on cultivating a receptive mindset:
- Meditation: One type of meditation entails sitting and being an open vessel for whatever the universe has to offer. You are not asking for anything or actively doing anything, you are just practicing sitting in the energy of receptivity.
- Radiance rituals: Indulge the senses or do something that feels good. This will help you be present in your body and bring you into your radiant, feminine energy. By making a regular practice out of this, you will learn to be comfortable with patience, passivity, and positivity – qualities that help you show respect to a masculine pursuer.
- Accept when given to: Practice accepting gifts, ideas, advice, recommendations with a “thank you” rather than resisting. No more wrestling with your best friend over who buys tea this time. It is actually an honour to give and it takes humility and vulnerability to receive with grace.
Remember: Thoughts and feelings will come and go but intentionally cultivating a positive dating will enable you to shift from where you are to where you want to be. Plant the seeds of positive mindset today, nurture it, and see what grows over time. With a belief that love is possible for you, the willingness to work hard, and the ability to receive with grace, you will attract love into your life.
It can even happen sooner than you think – by this time next year, you could be in a committed relationship with your life partner! It’s absolutely possible.