When you are truly playing the dating game for keeps, it’s hard not to feel vulnerable. You want a relationship but… will anyone want you? They absolutely will! But you might need to face some difficult feelings as you learn to value your own self-worth. Learn how to handle rejection while dating AND become stronger for it!
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Many of the women I work with find that a fear of rejection detracts from their dating experiences—or prevents them from dating altogether.
It might come out in different ways:
“It feels too vulnerable”
“I don’t think he’s interested since he hasn’t texted in a few days”
“I don’t want to embarrass myself” or
“I just don’t feel like I can be ME.”
At the root of all these concerns is a fear that by just being yourself and participating in the dating scene, you might get rejected by another.
But we’re all adults with lives, passions, successes, and competencies that extend far beyond any single dating experience or potential love interest. So what does it really mean to “be rejected” and what makes the associated feelings so painful?
The Connection Between Rejection and Shame
To understand what makes (perceived) rejection in dating so scary and painful, it helps to see the connection between rejection and shame.
Shame is a powerful emotion that evolved in humans as part of our reliance on tribes or communities for survival. It tells us that something we’ve done or something about us may not be acceptable to our tribe and that we are at risk of being shunned or rejected. Like all emotions, shame gives us information and is completely natural if we can take its feedback and let the emotion pass through us.
Shame developed as a critical survival emotion because, historically, being rejected from one’s tribe would likely be the difference between life and death. Mammals did not typically survive without the help of a tribe, family, or community.
Our environments and modes of support have changed drastically since hunter-gatherer times, but the potency of shame as a survival emotion has not. Even today, the fear of rejection is often experienced as a deeply visceral terror.
In contrast to feelings of guilt—which lead us to reflect on how our actions sit with respect to our morals (“did I do something wrong?”)—shame is often internalized to the point of being experienced as a core belief: “I am bad,” “I am worthless,” or “there is something wrong with me.”
It is the feeling of wanting to turn away, to hide, to cover oneself up.
When feelings of shame become overwhelming, they don’t leave space for the feelings of spontaneity, openness, and desire to connect that make for positive dating experiences.
Sadly, unchecked feelings of shame can cause people to avoid dating altogether.
What Causes Shame While Dating?
Whenever we interact with other people, there is a chance for shame to arise if we start to fear rejection. Let’s look at the case of dating in particular.
Mutually Assured Judgment
When two people show up for a date, they are typically there because they want something from the other person. It could be anything from a fling, to a relationship, to an eventual marriage proposal, but each person is there to assess whether the other can give them what they want.
Of course, as soon as such assessments come into play, the implication is that someone can “pass” or “fail” the other’s requirements.
It doesn’t seem like such a big deal when we are not very interested in somebody and we just sit back to do the judging. But when you meet someone you actually like, suddenly the desire for them to like you back arises.
You see something in them that resonates with you: with your values, your love for life, your hopes and dreams. The stakes become high.
If this person rejects you, they are not just ruining your chances at a relationship; it seems like they are shunning a part of yourself that you love and care deeply about. And that is precisely what triggers those deeper feelings of shame.
The Resurfacing of Childhood Wounds
As soon as we enter the arena of intimate relationships, we simultaneously tread back into the territory of childhood attachment wounds. We subconsciously compare the way our needs may—or may not—be met by a new potential partner to our earliest experiences with our caregivers.
This type of subconscious pattern matching is unavoidable. The drive to resolve any outstanding childhood wounds (of which we all have some) even determines, to a large extent, the type of people we are attracted to or not.
The challenge with this in the context of dating is that the shame we internalized as children can be triggered by potential love interests.
As explained by Dr. Richard Schwartz, family therapist, author, and founder of Internal Family Systems (find his influential book here on Amazon), we each have an inner critic that desperately tries to keep us from being shamed from the outside world. For people who experienced a lot of shame as children, that critic often takes on the voice of a shaming or critical parent.
Our youngest, most vulnerable parts are desperate to avoid being further shamed by that parent. Yet, at the same time, we are drawn to people who rekindle the familiarity of those feelings.
So with romantic interests we are hit with a double whammy: first, we are attracted to the very people who most strongly evoke the voice of our inner parental critic; second, we hear a voice which tells us to run, hide, or do whatever we can to avoid the painful shame we experienced during our formative years.
How confusing and exhausting when all you thought you were agreeing to was a coffee.
New Situations Can Bring Out Odd Behaviours
Many people in the dating world consider themselves to be pretty new to the scene. Perhaps they’ve had one or more long-term relationships without much dating in between, or they may have previously found it easier to meet people organically through school or mutual friends. Or maybe they’ve just been delaying dating while they focused on their careers.
In any case, being new to dating is like being new to anything else: it takes practice to get comfortable. How you handle the frustrations and challenges of “learning to date” will depend on many factors, such as your personality, your frustration tolerance, how your current mindset affects your dating, and more.
A particularly tricky aspect of dating is that you might catch yourself acting in embarrassing ways that don’t seem to match your image of your usual self. You might laugh more frequently or loudly than you do with good friends. You might argue more aggressively than you typically do or find that your mind goes totally blank. I recall a friend of mine wondering why she spoke about an octave higher than usual when she was on a first date.
Whatever the symptom, it might be coming from simple nervousness or from more deeply-rooted survival mechanisms (e.g. people-pleasing, excessive need to be in control, etc.). Such mechanisms may have helped you get through difficult situations in your younger years but are probably not serving you now.
These also tend to be the very types of behaviours and habits that are most likely to trigger shame. It is painful to see yourself acting in childish or insecure ways as a fully grown adult.
How Rejection Relates to Relationship Roles
As discussed in my free guide, The 5 Steps to Dating Success, the dance of intimacy flows best when one person primarily has the role of pursuer and the other has the role of the prize-to-be-won. Having one person consistently chase the other and take on the responsibility of initiating and planning dates (the masculine energy partner), while the other consistently goes with the flow by receiving what is offered with grace and appreciation (the feminine energy partner), tends to foster feelings of attraction.
In the dating scene today, there is a lot of confusion over what it means to be a masculine- or feminine-energy partner. Men and women feel uncertain about what they want and whether they can consistently take on such a role while maintaining authenticity. The result is a lot of confusion around who is pursuing whom and a related dampening of early-courtship chemistry.
As outlined in Step 1 of the guide, I encourage people to do some introspective work around what role they want to primarily take on, so that they can date with intention and have the highest chances of building the type of relationship they truly want.
In terms of rejection, there is significant asymmetry inherent to relationship roles. By its very nature, the role of the pursuer involves taking a risk to go after what is desirable. It is the pursuer who must find the courage to cross the room and start a conversation (and risks getting snubbed); it is the pursuer who asks for a number or a date (and risks getting turned down); it is the pursuer who suggests a plan (and risks having it be met with criticism).
It is also the pursuer who eventually asks the prize-to-be-won to enter an exclusive relationship and who eventually pops the question.
But particularly during the early stages of courtship, if a prize-to-be won acts in accordance with their role, there does seem to be less opportunity for explicit rejection.
This is important because if you perceive yourself as being frequently rejected, it may be a sign that you are accidentally taking on the pursuer role when your intention is to be a prize. This may look like men not being receptive to your flirtatious advances, not texting you back, declining your invitations to do activities together, or even ghosting you after some time.
Another possibility is that you are interpreting certain responses from people as being rejections when that doesn’t necessarily fit the objective facts of the situation. Let’s dive into that more as we look at concrete strategies for handling rejection while dating.
How Can You Address Shame and Handle Rejection While Dating?
To address shame and rise above rejection while dating, there are two types of strategies to employ. One involves disarming cognitive distortions and painful feelings in the short-term, while the other involves gradually building our resilience over time.
Shame-Busting Strategies for the Short-Term
Say you go out on a date and… disaster strikes. What “disaster” looks like will be different for everyone. Maybe you realize you had something in your teeth for half your meal. Perhaps you make an offhand remark and witness your date withdraw. Maybe you do something that makes you feel yucky in retrospect. Or possibly your date said or did something that strikes a sensitive chord.
Whatever the cause, you can suspect that feelings of shame have been triggered if you have the desire to escape, avoid, or isolate. This reaction is totally normal; the tricky thing is that isolation is precisely what continues to feed feelings of shame and unworthiness rather than help abate them.
So what can you do?
Ask: Do Your Feelings “Fit the Facts”?
Marsha Linehan, renowned psychotherapist and founder of Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (dive in with her clinical workbook here on Amazon), emphasizes the importance of asking whether your feelings “fit the facts.” In other words, are your thoughts being coloured by your own biases, history, and fears, or are there legitimate concerns underlying your shame?
As Dr. Linehan explains, if we remember that shame has an important evolutionary function—namely, to motivate us to hide things that would get us kicked out of our community—then we can say that shame fits the facts when it is true that you’re going to be rejected.
Realistically (albeit sadly), there are such stigmas in our culture today; for example, if you are applying for a job with a new employer and you tell them you have a mental disorder. They may not want to hire you if you disclose something like that early in your dealings with them.
On a date, there are things you can do or say that may turn a person off if you share them well in advance of the stage you are at. You have a right to privacy and it is wise to use discretion. You don’t need to reveal your medical conditions, the reasons you can’t stand your ex, or the details of your childhood trauma on your very first coffee date with someone.
It’s also possible that you went further physically than you intended and gave your date the impression you were looking for a hookup when what you really wanted was emotional connection.
If you leave a date feeling shame or embarrassment, and reflecting on what happened leads you to think that perhaps you really did move too quickly—either emotionally or physically—it could be a chance to take what you can from the experience and plan to try something different in the future.
On the other hand, in many cases you’ll find that whatever happened actually doesn’t “fit the facts” in terms of warranting rejection.
Ask yourself:
Did you speak and act in integrity; that is, in accordance with your values?
How do you feel about your own words and actions?
What do you think your friends would say about what you said or did?
Keep in mind that there is a critical difference between a single person (i.e., your date) choosing not to pursue you further versus a broader rejection from a group or community.
Many times, if you try to look at the situation objectively, you’ll find that what really happened is not something that would likely lead to you being rejected from your community or “tribe,” even though your mind is making it out to be.
Talk it Out
In this case, Dr. Linehan says it is important to talk about what happened. In fact, talking about it over and over is what causes shame to dissipate.
Remember: shame goes hand-in-hand with secrecy and the desire to hide away. By talking about whatever it is that you feel ashamed of, you are forcing yourself to come out of hiding.
Naturally, you should initially choose to talk about sensitive matters with a trusted friend, counsellor, or someone you feel emotionally safe with. This way you will witness yourself being accepted for whatever you said/did/thought and see that you are not going to be rejected for it.
As time goes on, you may find more lightness or even humour in the situation and widen the group of people you choose to share with.
Find Connection in Moments of Shame
If you are aware that you are experiencing shame in a particular moment, one of the best things you can do is find connection right away.
Since shame arises when we feel rejected or cast out, we can mitigate our shame response through connection; thereby demonstrating to ourselves that we are not truly alone.
Connection can be as simple as making eye contact with a kind other (despite your strong disinclination to do so), bringing nature into view, focusing on something spiritually meaningful to you, or visualizing a loved one.
The key is to find connection with something bigger than yourself in the very moment that you feel shame.
Medium- and Long-Term Strategies for Building Resilience to Rejection
Bear in mind that even if you face setbacks while dating, you can always look at the bigger context of your life to see where you are competent and successful. Here are some specific strategies you can use to change your perception of and relationship to dating “rejection.”
Practice, Practice, Practice
You have already overcome many difficult challenges to get to this point in your life, and dating is no different: practice leads to mastery.
If you are wondering what it means to have mastery in dating, it means that you are able to co-create positive dating experiences with a masculine-energy pursuer while relating from your feminine side (assuming you want to be in the feminine, prize-to-be-won role).
Your comfort level with one-on-one socializing will influence where to start practicing. For those who are more shy, you may want to start with just being open to more conversations with grocery store clerks, coffeeshop baristas, or men and women of any age in your neighbourhood. In other words, just practice being out there and get comfortable chatting with new people.
If you are already comfortable with this, you can begin being more intentional with the way you are showing up in your interactions with people. If you want to be the prize-to-be-won, then your feminine way of relating is to be passive, patient, and vulnerable.
Can you show up ready to have an interaction but not be the one to speak first? Can you follow someone else’s lead in a conversation but still help it naturally flow along? Can you speak from a feeling-centred rather than thought-centred place?
These are all examples of things you can practice with anyone. You will want to experiment to see how these strategies feel to you. At first, you may feel uncomfortable or even inauthentic. But remember, whenever you learn something new, it is uncomfortable because it is unfamiliar.
It is up to you to discover whether relating to people from your feminine characteristics is something you can do authentically (which will likely lead to a partnership with a masculine man), or whether you want to relate primarily from your masculine traits (and pair with a more feminine man).
And of course, the gold standard for getting practice in the dating world is to get out there, flirt, and go on dates! Getting practice relating from your feminine side while on real dates will help you develop your communication skills, learn more about male and female courtship dynamics, practice boundary setting, and increase your comfort level with dating overall.
Oh—and don’t forget it also gives you the chance to be dated by someone you actually have chemistry with!
Keep in mind that “practice dating” doesn’t mean you owe anyone anything. If you are sincere in your intentions to connect with other people, then you are free to socially date as much as you like. If someone chooses to take you for a coffee or a dinner, you can offer them a genuine thank you, but you don’t owe them a hug, a kiss, or another date.
There are lots of ways you can gracefully set boundaries or let someone know you do not want to continue to date. Details and example scripts are included in my eBook Dating with Ease.
As you practice your dating skills, you will build genuine competency. This is naturally empowering and confidence-building. The less you are blindly stumbling around not knowing what you are doing or why, the less you will step into subconscious traps of shame.
Reframing “Rejection”
Sometimes on your journey to finding and building your life partnership, you may experience legitimate disappointments. Perhaps you really like someone but they don’t seem to have the same feelings towards you. In other cases, the timing just doesn’t work out or a misunderstanding never gets resolved.
In these situations, it can be easy to fall into a spiral of negative thinking or shame, telling ourselves that we blew it or that we aren’t worthy of love.
Of course, these stories that we tell ourselves aren’t true. Even when we are in emotional pain, we can still challenge the unhelpful, negative thoughts or cognitive distortions that arise.
One technique for changing your perspective is called reframing. This entails looking for a different, plausible interpretation of something that is causing you pain or stress.
As a simple example, say you have a date with someone and then he doesn’t call back. One interpretation of this is that you are unworthy, so he rejected you accordingly. But… ouch!! That is not true and certainly not a constructive mental path to go down.
If you catch yourself having such thoughts, challenge yourself to think of other possible explanations. For example, perhaps something came up for him like a personal or work emergency. Maybe he realized he had unfinished business with his ex and isn’t ready to date (and that has nothing to do with you!). Or who knows, maybe he realized you’re not going to be an easy catch and he is plotting his next move before reaching out to you again.
The point is, there can be many reasons for another person’s behaviour and to criticize yourself too harshly is not only likely inaccurate, but also unfair (to you).
One of my teachers used to say “either he is the right man for you, or he is only a test.” I think there is a lot of wisdom in that reframing. In the game of love, we do our best by showing up with an open heart and a willingness to learn whatever our next lesson may be.
While we all can and will make mistakes, at the end of the day, if you try as hard as you can to be true to yourself and stay open to life’s possibilities, you can’t really “screw up.” A perceived “rejection” is not about your inadequacy; it is a signal that the pairing just wasn’t right at this time.
Build Up Your Resources
In the counselling world, the term “resourcing” refers to building the internal resources (e.g. coping skills) needed to handle challenging situations. The beautiful thing about undertaking this process as a part of your journey to love, is that you will be getting stronger and more resilient in all areas of life.
Although you’ll be building internal resources, this doesn’t mean your strategy for doing so has to be done alone. In fact, in the case of developing your resistance to shame, one of the best strategies you can pursue is to spend lots of time with people who love you.
Shame rears its head when we feel like we are alienated, alone, or outcast. When we spend time with loved ones, we are giving ourselves plenty of evidence that this is simply not so.
Even when we experience setbacks in a particular context like dating, it won’t hit us as hard if we have a strong support network and have invested time with people who help us feel seen, heard, understood, and loved. We’ll begin to see a strange dating experience as an anomaly rather than as some negative reflection of who we are.
For some of us with long-standing wounds, this process won’t happen overnight. It takes a lot of time and effort to rebuild our self-image and change our core beliefs. But the work is beyond worth it because the more we learn to love and accept ourselves, the more love we will attract and have to give.
You’ll be Stronger for it…
Imagine you’re getting ready to head out on a date. You don’t know what he’ll be like or what exactly will happen, but you do know where you stand. You know your values, you know your worth, you know that you are going to act with integrity and be true to yourself.
If you have a good time—ta da! Another positive dating experience under your belt to remind you that you are on the path to finding and building a life partnership. If it’s a fizzle, you’ll know that you did your part by showing up with a sincere willingness to connect with someone else who is also on the journey to love.
Deep down, you know that another person’s reaction to you doesn’t define your worth. You can take it as feedback or recognize it as another person’s business. You have plenty of loved ones in your life to remind you of your value, your beauty, and your lovability.
This is the type of confident vision of yourself that you deserve and that is within reach. While our “end game” for dating might be life partnership, the journey is truly a profound opportunity for growth and healing.
Go into it with the heart of a lion and the head of a scientist. And always remember that there is help for you if you need it. My free guide: The 5 Steps to Dating Success will walk you through the next steps to take.