If you’ve heard about Attachment Theory before, you’ve probably heard about the common attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, and secure.
But don’t miss the forest for the trees; attachment is much more than this. It is the mechanism by which we “connect” with other people—which matters a lot when you want to build a loving partnership.
According to developmental researcher Gordon Neufeld, forming an attachment has a natural (but not guaranteed) progression through 6 stages: senses, sameness, belonging, significance, love, and being known.
By learning about these stages, you can get a quick roadmap of what it looks like to build a healthy relationship.
If you didn’t have that modelled for you as a kid, then this is a crucial bit of education to take into the dating world. You want to feel as confident as possible that any new relationship you’re building is solid and supportive.
It will also open your eyes to tricky or toxic dynamics to look out for—caused by an emotionally unsuitable partner or even your own subconscious wounding.
Either way, understanding how the 6 stages of attachment can impact your dating experiences will empower you to slow down, reassess, and course-correct as needed.
Introduction to Neufeld’s Stages of Attachment
Dr. Gordon Neufeld is a retired clinical psychologist and child development researcher.
(And before I go any further, the opinions expressed herein are my own and not connected to nor representative of the Neufeld Institute. Their work is awesome, though—if you’re curious, check it out here: neufeldinstitute.org)
His 6-stage model of attachment describes the progressive process of an infant becoming attached to a primary caretaker.
This doesn’t happen automatically; the conditions have to be right for the progression to occur. In fact, some people get stuck at certain stages and may not evolve until later in youth or even adulthood—if ever (Neufeld himself says he didn’t reach the final stage of attachment until he was an older adult).
With the prevalence of relational wounding in our modern upbringings, I’d guess that many people never had a solid progression through the stages of attachment when they were children.
Pair this with the psychological phenomenon that whatever we needed but didn’t get in childhood, we’ll subconsciously try to find as adults and… voila: a powerful insight emerges.
Namely, when forming an attachment with a new partner:
A sign of good relationship health is that we are roughly following along the same stages of attachment as we do when (ideally) attaching in childhood; and if we skip or get stuck in stages, it’s a good indication that something is off.
We might be tricking ourselves into believing this relationship is the answer we’ve been searching for, the salve for our wounds.
Or we might even be getting tricked by our new partner as they lure us (subconsciously) into their emotional world faster than what is appropriate.
Let’s dive into Neufeld’s stages of attachment to see what all of this might look like and how we can set ourselves up for success.
Stage 1: Senses
Developmentally speaking, this is the first and most primitive form attachment. It describes the need for an infant to be connected to their caregiver through sight, smell, sound, taste, and touch.
When building a healthy new attachment
Exploring chemistry
In the world of dating, your senses give you that first impression of what a person is like: how he looks, how he sounds, and how he smells. This is what physical chemistry is all about. It doesn’t take much longer to instinctively know whether you want your date to touch or kiss (taste) you.
Feeling at home
Your senses are your natural starting place. It’s in the physical company of another that you can develop a feeling of being at home. You may have a sense of rest or safety in their presence. You’ll see if you enjoy how time passes when you’re together, whether he cares for your physical comfort, and whether you want to get closer.
Tricky points to look out for
The deception of online dating
Aside from a few photos and maybe a video or two, the digital realm does not allow you to experience someone sensually. This is why it’s so confusing—and frustrating—when people want to chat ad nauseum before going on a real date. It seems wasteful and inauthentic to build an emotional connection with someone you might have zero physical chemistry with.
Investing your time, energy, and heart into an online “fantasy man” you’ve never met before is something to avoid—even if he’s the one leading the charge on the online penpal-ing. In fact, men in the apps often do this—it feels safer than taking the risk of asking a woman out and building real intimacy.
(With this in mind, there’s never been a better time to learn how to flirt and attract your man IRL!)
Stage 2: Sameness
From a developmental standpoint, this is the drive for a child to be like their primary attachments; to emulate them, imitate them, and identify with them. This is the first way in which young children begin to hold their caregivers close to them, even when physically apart.
When building a healthy new attachment
“Omg, me too!”
In the early stages of courtship, sameness can feel incredibly connecting. You notice similarities that almost seem beyond coincidence, like loving the same bands when you were teens, enjoying the same foods, laughing at the same jokes, having travelled to the same places, and so on.
This sense of similarity can set the stage for true friendship. Having things in common both feels good and has real benefits in terms of compatibility.
Natural mirroring
You might also notice a tendency to mirror your partner, in terms of body language, posture, or even patterns of speech. To a degree, this is natural and helps cultivate intimacy.
Tricky points to look out for
Sameness has its limits
It is what it is; no more and no less. While sameness does help us connect, it doesn’t (yet) indicate deeper attachment or compatibility.
Fearing or rejecting differences
Many adults are stuck in sameness—and you can see that by their discomfort with having differing opinions.
But it doesn’t break a bond with someone to be different from them. Instead, we grow through our differences.
Losing yourself in the relationship
In some cases, you might catch yourself taking on your date’s energy level, preferences, or mannerisms to an extent that compromises your own sense of self. A sign to look out for is feeling more drained than energized after spending time together.
Sameness also goes too far when one person starts adopting the interests and preferences of the other, at the cost of retaining their own identity. It’s a mistake to think that morphing into someone will win them over; grounding yourself in your own life and interests is actually more enticing.
Recap
Watch out for thinking you are more compatible than you are, just because you have many (more superficial) things in common. Also notice if you feel disillusioned or defensive as you (inevitably) discover differences.
If you find yourself taking on more characteristics of your partner than you are comfortable with, step back and strive to ground yourself in your own life, interests, and values.
Overall, do your best to enjoy the sameness you discover and use it as a foundation for further exploration and connection.
Stage 3: Belonging/loyalty
In terms of development, the stage of belonging/loyalty describes the drive to be ‘a part of’ and ‘on the same side.’ This is helpful when child-rearing, as it adds motivation for kids to follow their caregivers’ direction.
When building a healthy attachment
“Are we on the same team?”
Belonging can be a natural extension of sameness when it comes to two people belonging to the same groups or affiliations. For example, finding out you have the same religious beliefs, political orientation, or cultural background can be very connecting—and legitimately significant with regard to compatibility.
Fitting in with existing attachments
Belonging also plays a role in determining whether your new potential partner fits in well with your friends and family (and you with theirs).
Loyalty ties into the feeling of having each other’s backs. It captures the desires to protect each other, help each other, and stay faithful. In a healthy relationship, loyalty develops over time and is founded on mutual trust.
These feelings and behaviours ultimately sum up to that comforting sense of “you belong to me, I belong to you, and we belong with each other.”
Tricky points to watch out for
Limits of belonging/loyalty
As with sameness, belonging to the same group, club, or affiliation doesn’t guarantee compatibility.
Moreover, qualities like loyalty and trust need to be earned. They come when you and your partner make and keep many agreements, big and small, over time.
Control issues
If a potential partner has wounding in this attachment stage, he may seem to have an intense need for you to trust him. He may be highly sensitive to things that (supposedly) indicate whether you support him or not—like what you say about him to others, how good you are at anticipating his needs, or whether you will obey his commands.
Be sure to trust your own instincts first and listen to your comfort levels. Obviously you do want to support your partner and be respectful; see that it’s coming from your own care and volition, not from feelings of intimidation.
Also keep in mind that “belonging to” does touch on possessiveness. Some level of territoriality in a relationship is healthy and normal—but keep a look out for signals that he wants to control your money, time, or friendships in an unhealthy way.
Don’t assume commitment
Other common gotchas in this stage include one-sided commitments (e.g., halting your dates and seeing him exclusively before he asks you to) or reading too much into it when he introduces you to friends or family.
Different people have different personal boundaries—explicit conversations and negotiations are the path to real commitment.
Stage 4: Significance
In terms of developmental attachment, the stage of significance is the drive for children to matter to their caregivers. It is the push to be valued, special, and wanted. Even for young children, it takes vulnerability to seek significance from another.
When building a healthy new attachment
“I want you in my life.”
Significance develops with the realization that someone has become an important part of your life. They begin to have a presence in your mind and heart that accompanies you throughout your days. You might imagine things you want to do together or hypothesize what their opinion would be on important matters.
It becomes progressively harder to envision what life would look like without the other person in it.
And as someone else starts to matter so much to you, you hope that you matter to them too. You long for them to see you as special, helpful, valuable. You’ll likely be looking for signs (in what they say and how they treat you) that they hold you dear.
Staying connected despite rifts
This attachment stage is important as it bridges the gaps in our deeper differences. You can move through disagreements with someone when you see the bigger picture of how you are important in each other’s lives.
Tricky points to watch out for
Projection
It’s perhaps all too common for people to jump ahead to the significance stage early in a courtship. You might start trying out what it would sound like to take on his last name or imagine where you’ll live together someday.
Men often come on strong with lots of texting and sweet talk about future plans together.
To an extent, this is an unavoidable “symptom” of meeting someone you have good chemistry with. The excitement about the potential is there.
But it’s worth remembering that until you’ve spent real time together and seen each other across a range of situations, you are mostly indulging in fantasy.
This tends to be especially problematic when actual decisions are made based on the fantasy. For example, a woman gets swept away by a man’s “I want you so badly” vibes—suddenly feeling the visibility she’s always craved. Maybe she has sex with him before she’s truly ready. Even impulsive elopements can happen this way.
It also gets awkward when one person pursues the other using intimacy from this stage too soon. Cue the men who send countless “thinking of you,” “hope you have a great day, “sweet dreams tonight” messages following a single lacklustre date.
Or, more extreme, the “but I can’t live without you” response when you amicably end it with someone after a few dates.
Overgiving
Another indication of unresolved wounding at this stage is the tendency to overgive. People often overgive with the (subconscious) hope to show their value, to find a way to matter to others through all that they do.
As a relationship inevitably becomes imbalanced, the overgiver eventually notices that their partner is not giving as much and wonders “what about me? Don’t I matter too?”—revealing the wounding in significance.
We all want to matter, to be valued, and to be wanted. The key is to look for balance between you and your partner. Keep your actions in line with the time and experience required to truly learn how special you are to each other.
Stage 5: Love
After the 4 previous stages, we finally arrive at love! In terms of attachment, love is the drive for emotional intimacy. Developmentally, it speaks to a child giving their heart to someone who they hope will nurture their tenderness and guard them from a wounding world.
When building a healthy new attachment
Love is bigger than the sum of its parts
In one sense, love is the culmination of the other attachment stages thus far: senses, sameness, belonging, and significance.
But even more than that, love requires an open heart—a willingness and desire to share warmth, tenderness, and care.
This takes softness. Real love has a gentleness to it—the awe at having found something precious.
Tricky points to watch out for
Unrequited love
Although it’s been the subject of countless songs and movies, one indication that something is awry with the love stage is when your love is unrequited; that is, when you have a strong drive to love someone who doesn’t have feelings for you in return.
Healthy attachments occur in the context of reciprocity—if you are trying to give love and attach to someone who isn’t reciprocating, chances are you are working through your own unresolved attachment wounds (consider the common complaint “I keep falling for emotionally unavailable men,” as just one example).
It’s nothing to be ashamed of—at its core, the desire to give, express, and share love is a beautiful thing. You just may need to do some deeper work around why you feel driven to give your love to someone who can’t or won’t receive and return it.
Having an open heart
Another tricky part about love regards the open-heartedness it requires.
Ask yourself:
- Is your heart open today after it’s been hurt in the past?
- Are you able to feel soft, tender emotions—or are you too defended?
- Does the man you love (or want to love) have an open heart? Will he let you in?
Love can’t be rushed. Even with an open heart, a wise person takes time to let someone in because of the risks.
A good time to check in
If you’re having feelings of love towards a new partner, you can review where you are at with regard to the previous attachment stages, to see if you’re on track:
- Have you spent plenty of time in each other’s (physical) presence?
- Have you explored your similarities?
- Have you established a sense of trust and belonging?
- Do you feel like you matter to your partner, that you are wanted and valued?
When these conditions are in place, two tender hearts can come together in love.
Stage 6: Being known
The final stage of attachment, being known, describes the drive for psychological intimacy. As a developmental progression, it is triggered by a child’s alarming realization that they possess a secret inner world, hidden from their caregivers—until and unless they choose to reveal it.
When building a healthy new attachment
Longing to be known by another
If the previous stage of attachment—love—captures the heart’s desire for connection, then this final stage is perhaps best thought of as the soul’s longing to be witnessed by another.
The drive to be known is a deeper extension of the basic needs to be seen and heard. It is a wish to be truly understood—and accepted—for who you are.
The vulnerability of sharing your true self
Of all the attachment stages, being known requires the most vulnerability. It follows the stage of love because it is most natural to long to be known by those who we already trust with our hearts.
Being known is at the pinnacle of attachment because how can you feel truly connected to someone unless you feel truly known by them? Inasmuch as you have secrets that cannot be shared or parts that cannot be revealed, there will always be something blocking your deepest belief that you are wholly loveable and worthy.
In this way, the mechanism for being known is personal disclosure. It entails choosing to share aspects of your inner world that are typically hidden from view.
Tricky points to watch out for
Oversharing
We’ve all known someone who seems to share inappropriately. (And of course, we’ve all done it ourselves at times.) They tell us intimate details that we know we don’t really deserve to hear based on how well we know them.
While it can be alluring (it’s pretty fascinating to get a glimpse deep into someone’s inner world, after all), it typically leaves you wondering if they have “bad boundaries” or “no filter” or a lack of self-awareness. You might feel exhausted or even used.
In dating, this can look like discussing heavy subject matter early on, such as past relationships, trauma, health issues, messy interpersonal conflicts, etc.
The temptation to rush
Now you might be thinking “but I can’t stand small talk and superficial conversation! I want to get to the deep stuff right away!”
Well, why is that?
What’s wrong with soaking up the presence of someone (senses), getting to know their likes and dislikes (sameness), finding out what groups and beliefs they identify with (belonging), discovering whether they take special interest in how you feel (significance), and slowing down to explore the softness of their heart (love)?
For love to be lasting, it requires depth, care, and stability—rather than drama.
An inability to disclose
On the other end of the spectrum, it is worth noticing whether someone seems very shut off from sharing about themselves. They might be so guarded that personal expression feels unsafe to them.
Secretiveness
Secrecy or sneakiness is another issue. There is a key difference between privacy and secrecy: privacy is healthy and means using discretion to limit sharing personal details that have no effect on the other person’s well-being. Secrecy is toxic and means keeping things from someone that do impact their well-being.
Things will not always be black and white, clear deal-makers or deal-breakers. If you take your time, you’ll hear your wise heart whispering the right answers for you.
Conclusion
Neufeld’s stages of attachment describe the ideal progression a child takes to attach to caregivers during early childhood.
In the context of dating, these stages can inform us of what building a healthy, meaningful connection with someone looks like.
If we notice either ourselves or our potential partner skipping stages of attachment, it could signal unresolved wounds or relational troubles.
This isn’t about finding more red flags or reasons to discount suitors. It is about building our awareness of what healthy relationship development can look like.
Undoubtedly, building a healthy attachment is not a completely linear process either. You may jump around the stages as each one gets filled out with breadth and depth of experience.
But you can notice if there are big imbalances between the stage you are in compared to your date. Or when there are big discrepancies between how your relationship is progressing versus how the stages normally flow.
The more informed you are, the more you can target your own personal healing work. You’ll also have a better sense of when you might be getting pulled into something that is unhealthy so that you can slow down and ground yourself in the stage that feels appropriate to you.
Don’t forget—we all have relational wounds to varying degrees. Since we can’t go back and relive our childhoods, we will need to heal as adults.
Building healthy attachments as adults *is* the way to heal—we are all on this journey together!
Wondering how to apply these ideas in your life? Contact me for help!