This year’s Halloween festivities have come and gone, but far too many folks are still being haunted by one of the most infamous of dater profiles: the ghost.
The term “ghosting” became popular several years ago as a way to describe those instances where everything seems to be going well with your date – they message, call, seem enthusiastic – when suddenly… *poof*! They vanish into thin air.
Even if you weren’t super keen on the courtship, no one likes to feel as though they’re being avoided or dumped without any reason or explanation. It’s generally not a nice way to treat somebody!
So why does it happen? And what can you do if it does, regretfully, happen to you?
Why do people vanish?
While you can never read someone else’s mind, there are a few common reasons why perfectly good dates sometimes turn into ghosts. Let’s explore so that hopefully you can put your mind at ease.
If a person was pursuing you and suddenly stopped, for one reason or another they have decided not to continue with the courtship at this time. That could be for a plethora of reasons that you cannot know. It could be timing, another person, or a host of personal issues.
If you are honestly wondering if it’s “something you did,” there is a chance you may have accidentally switched relationship roles and started to pursue a pursuer (see my free guide to learn more about relationship roles). Or maybe you were being chased but gave up your “prize” before negotiating a committed relationship.
This can happen in the reverse as well. Maybe you started out as the pursuer but then began passively waiting for your prize to take the lead on contacting you. A true prize won’t take the bait.
Regardless of what is going on with the other person, one question when it comes to ghosts is why did they disappear? What stopped your date from messaging you with a respectful goodbye or from returning your calls?
Common Reasons That People Start Ghosting Their Dates
For many, simple conflict avoidance is the root cause. It seems way less scary to just avoid someone than to have a difficult conversation. A lot of folks don’t have the words. No one taught them to say something respectful like: “I really enjoyed our time together, but I realized I don’t feel the right kind of chemistry to keep dating you. I don’t want to use you or lead you on, so I’m letting you know that I want to be friends.”
Hearing words like that might sting, but at least it is honest and respectful. Then you can move on with your life instead of wondering “what might have been.”
Conflict avoidance is quite common, especially in folks with avoidant attachment styles. That is not to say it is an excuse for ghosting – just a way to understand what might have happened.
Another possibility is that your ghost just wasn’t quite sure about whether they would want to try again with you at some point in the future. After all, we are rarely completely-utterly-absolutely-100%-without-a-doubt-certain that we won’t want to see someone again. So, your date delays formally ending things with you just in case.
Sometimes this is a legitimate case where a serious personal matter arises for someone and they didn’t manage to get back to you to explain their situation. It still doesn’t excuse someone dodging you, but it might explain why sometimes you hear from someone 6 months after you went on all of 2 dates and barely remember what they look like.
This is not to be confused with someone genuinely ruminating on whether you are the right person for them (see below). Though, it can certainly be related to conflict avoidance as described above.
A third possibility for what might have happened is that your date really did like you, really did have the right chemistry and feelings, and is still considering whether or not to contact you again.
I say this not to give you false hope, but to give you a chance at navigating this situation well if it is indeed what’s happening.
When Ghosting Can Be A Good Thing
If your courtship with a gentleghost began with you in the role of prize, there is a good chance that at some point along the way your pursuer will want to slow down and process things. Perhaps they were coming on strong looking for quick love, attention, or sex and are now frustrated by your excellent boundary-setting. That’s okay – they have a right to be frustrated and it’s up to them to deal with it.
Perhaps they are struck by how BIG their feelings are and they are scared to keep moving so quickly. Pursuers often need time to ruminate on whether they want to take on the responsibility of a relationship at this time in their life. Do they have their affairs in order? Do they feel financially secure enough to provide for someone else? Can they handle the emotional pressure and responsibility of a real relationship?
It’s completely normal and healthy for a strong pursuer to consider these questions and not make a rash decision about who to dive into a relationship with. In fact, taking time just indicates how seriously your pursuer takes the commitment of a relationship – which is a good thing. If you can show patience during this time, the rewards are huge.
As a rule of thumb, if it has been less than 8 weeks since you’ve heard from your date (yes, you read that right – 8 full weeks!), the courtship game is still afoot and there is a reasonable chance your ghost might reappear. If they do – don’t be spooked!
What should you do if you are being ghosted?
While there are many possibilities for why you are being ghosted (and, again, unless you have psychic powers you can’t be certain about what’s going on inside your date’s head), there are a few guidelines that will generally help you go ghostbusters.
First – keep dating! Easier said than done when our hearts are set on that very special someone, but until you are in an exclusive, committed relationship it is important to keep dating.
Remember, dating does not mean jumping under the sheets with every new boo you meet! It’s a way for you to continue to socialize with potential suitors, feel good about yourself as a valuable, loveable person, and continue with the work of meeting lots of people until you find your special life partner.
Second – resist the urge to switch roles. If you consciously chose to be the prize in a relationship, then stick to your role of being passive and patient. While you might be staring at the clock waiting for your date to call, they might just be going about their normal business and will reach out to you when their schedule settles. The last thing you want to do is interfere with the fragile dating dynamic and start chasing a pursuer by texting, calling, or showing up on their doorstep asking them where they’ve been.
That said, if you really think there was some substance to your budding relationship and are worried that your ghost might just be suffering from “out of sight, out of mind” syndrome, you could drop them a friendly line the next time a holiday or special occasion occurs. Just a little “Happy Birthday!” message or some such to put you back on their radar.
Relationship Roles Again: Pursuer or Prize?
This brings us to our last point about ghosts. How you handle the situation will be different depending on the relationship role that is right for you.
If you want to be a pursuer: regretfully, your best bet is likely to cut your losses and move on quickly. It is up to the prize to be open and receptive to your advances, so if a prize has not been responding to your messages or calls, it’s probably an indicator that they aren’t interested.
You could try waiting a little while (to give them some time to realize how awesome you are!) and then trying again with a gentle yet assertive nudge. Just be sure to keep it congenial rather than accusatory, angry, or passive-aggressive.
If you want to be the prize: follow the above tips on continuing to date and sticking to your passive position. If you have just recently been ghosted (say, within that 8 week timeframe mentioned above), then you might very well hear from your pursuer again. If you do, be sure to be kind and receptive. Questioning your pursuer about where they have been or getting angry at them for not calling will only encourage them to disappear again.
And remember: you don’t have to just sit at home waiting for the phone to ring! You can get dolled up and go flirting at a nearby coffee shop. Who knows, maybe your ghost will be passing through and you’ll end up reviving the romance.
Keep Your Spirits Up
It’s not always easy, but do your best to stay focused on the positive things you have going on in the rest of your life. If your ghost reappears, just chalk it up to being part of the dynamic dance of love. If you don’t hear from them again, spend a moment to see what lessons you can gain from the experience and then trust that the universe has something better in store for you.