I’ll be the first to admit that navigating the dating world has its challenges! But here’s the truth: if you can stay grounded in a few simple, concrete principles—even when your emotions start spiralling and the old self-doubt creeps in—you can certainly succeed in finding your match.
Sometimes, you need to see that something is possible for you to even try. You have to believe the steps are ones you can actually take and that they’ll bring you to where you want to be.
So here it is. I’m about to walk you through a completely plausible timeline for finding your life partner within a year. Make this your own, customize the steps, and remember you can always get help when needed.
Let’s say we have 1 year or 52 weeks to work with. Now off to the races!
Week 1: Get ready.
Spend some time getting clear on what you really want (Step 1 of my free guide) and then steel yourself for dating bootcamp.
Week 2: Get set to flirt.
See Step 2 of my free guide on how to flirt effectively. Assuming you want to be in the prize-to-be-won role (i.e. you want to be pursued rather than do the pursuing), make eye contact and smile until you lure someone over to say hello. Let’s say Week 2 is dedicated to figuring out the mechanics of this.
Weeks 3-17: Go practice flirting and dating.
The Gottman Institute’s dating blog asserts: “relationship experts say it takes somewhere between 40-60 dates to find the right person.” I can’t find the original research on this, but I have heard it referenced in other places as well. From my personal experience, it takes meeting about 20-40 people to find someone you have chemistry with.
Let’s settle on a reasonable estimate of needing to meet about 40 people until you find someone you have chemistry with. You want good chemistry with someone to potentially build a relationship that will last.
So, how on earth do you find 40 new men and how long does that take!? You can definitely use dating apps here, but in my personal journey, this is where flirting in real life was key. If you aim to flirt consistently for just 5 minutes a day, 5 days a week, then it is reasonable that you will attract around 3 pursuers a week to come over and speak with you.
Certainly, not all of these people will be folks you have chemistry with. And on occasion, some of them might even feel drawn to say “hi” but aren’t available for a relationship (use the ‘red flag’ list you might have developed during Week 1 to screen out such folks; e.g. people who are still married, are only in town for a short period of time, etc.).
On the whole, though, it is reasonable to expect that having these “mini-dates” or brief encounters is a good way to quickly assess chemistry and encourage pursuers to ask you out on (full) dates. So if you get 3 candidates like this a week, then using our estimate of 40 people from above, it will take about 40/3 ~ 14 weeks to meet someone who could potentially be your life partner. Let that sink in—that’s less than 4 months!
Again, some of these meetings will just be brief encounters (anywhere from 1-10 minutes) as you go about your daily business, like grabbing a coffee, getting groceries, or going for a walk. Be liberal with your eye contact and smiles, and then practice chatting from the prize role.
If someone seems nice enough and asks you for a date—go for it! Even if you don’t think there is chemistry, you can’t always be sure right away and the dating practice is worth it any case.
Weeks 18-21: Date your top pursuer while still dating others.
By now, you’ve already been out there flirting for about 14 weeks. You’ve likely attracted someone you have good chemistry with and they asked you out on a date. Hooray!
Since you are just kicking things off, you aren’t in an exclusive, continuous, long-term relationship yet; therefore, my recommendation is to keep flirting and be courted by new people as in the previous weeks.
Of course, this person that you actually have chemistry with is probably seeming pretty special. Let’s say they are your “Number 1” person and they will take priority over other pursuers.
It’s reasonable to assume that your pursuer will ask you on one or two dates a week and that you can make time for this.
Let’s say things seem promising and by the 5th date your pursuer makes an obvious move on you. Maybe they kiss you and touch your thigh. Or maybe they invite you to stay over at their place for the night. If you want to stay true to your vision of finding a life partner, it’s time to pause.
Your pursuer has made their intentions clear. You don’t want to lead them on at this point or let things get too heated. Instead, you authentically let them know your own intentions. You can express your appreciation for their interest in you and share what it is that you require to feel comfortable moving forward physically (e.g. an exclusive, potentially marriage-bound relationship where you see the person regularly, if that’s what’s true for you).
Weeks 22-30: Play the waiting game, focus on self-care… and keep dating if you can.
Uh-oh! It turns out your pursuer wasn’t thrilled that you set a boundary and expressed your need for commitment before you went further physically.
If you’re lucky, maybe they said “of course” and agreed to take it slow. More likely, they promptly drove you home and told you that they weren’t ready for a commitment.
If this happens, you might have a whole range of feelings: regret over having “blown it,” anger that you got rejected, or pride that you were true to yourself. All these feelings are completely normal.
The truth is, this scenario is common given today’s landscape. Many pursuers can find fast gratification and it can be disappointing to hear a “no.” That’s okay. People have a right to feel disappointed and manage those feelings, just as you have a right to authentically set boundaries with kindness.
What’s important to remember is that no one did anything wrong. You, as the prize, have shared what you require to feel comfortable moving forward. Your pursuer now has decided to take some time to consider what you have said. That’s not a bad thing.
Relationship expert Dr. Pat Allen says that the time for rumination (oscillating between thinking and feeling, while simultaneously weighing the pros and cons of a decision), is 8 weeks. That is 8 long weeks while the prize needs to wait and let the pursuer process the situation, without giving into the temptation of chasing them, spying on them, or begging for another chance. It’s hard because you probably really, really like the person (like really).
The best thing to do during this time is keep yourself soothed through doing your usual self-care activities. It also helps to keep yourself distracted—and there is no better way to do that than to keep dating! Even if your heart is not quite in it, it’s great practice to keep flirting, dating, and relating.
Remember: the person you really like is not ready for a commitment, so you are not doing anything wrong by socially dating. Also, there is always a chance you will meet someone who steals your heart from your Number 1; it is not inauthentic to give other people that opportunity. To make sure you don’t use anyone or lead them on, it’s good practice to cap things at 3 dates if you don’t think there is potential for it to lead to a long-term relationship.
Weeks 31-33: Enjoy the bliss (and keep dating).
Lo and behold! Your Number 1 pursuer got in touch and asked to see you again, right around the magical 8 week mark (this has really happened to me and it feels quite magical indeed). Maybe you had almost forgotten about this person or assumed they were gone for good. Not so!
Now is the time to welcome them back, express your appreciation for them getting in touch, and pick up where you left off. Put away any leftover bad mojo—remember, your pursuer was sorting some things out and that’s okay.
Enjoy a date or two until—uh-oh. Here you are again. Another passionate kiss and a less-than-subtle grab…
Ahem. Time to pause and restate your requirements. Just because you have been dying to see this person for 8 weeks and “distracted yourself” by picking out your wedding venue and colour palette, doesn’t mean you’re now ready to agree to that easy gratification. It’s on you to say “no” or “not yet” and explain what you need to feel comfortable moving forward (i.e. a commitment).
Weeks 34-38: More waiting and dating… and stress management.
The ups and downs of dating are real. Just when you were on cloud nine a moment ago, now you are back on earth.
That’s okay. Time to get grounded again and come back to yourself. Remember that you are playing for keeps and it takes time to build a relationship. It’s very reasonable and respectable for a pursuer to take time to make a commitment. It just shows how seriously they take their commitments—a sign of good character.
Put all your self-care and stress management tactics into practice because going through these cycles is not easy. Just because you survived your Number 1 disappearing on you before, doesn’t mean you won’t feel all the feels again this time. It might be a bit better though, as you are building resilience and confidence.
In the meantime… hold the phone. You may not have even realized it (because you were so into your special Number 1), but if you kept up with your consistent practice of flirting and dating you could have met another 60 or so people by now (it’s been about 20 weeks since you met Number 1 and we estimated meeting about 3 new people a week was reasonable).
Could there be a sudden plot twist? You’re noticing butterflies for someone new.
Weeks 39-42: Be open, communicate with grace, keep dating.
Life is funny sometimes. Your (original) Number 1 came back after about a month this time and you’re still happy to hear from them. Yet, you definitely are intrigued by your new pursuer. This person is not actually very similar to your Number 1, but for some reason you still feel excited and cared for in their presence.
You aren’t in a committed relationship with anyone yet so keep flirting and socially dating.
Things seem to be moving quite quickly with your new pursuer and you like it. When they make a move you feel a lot more confident saying you aren’t looking for a casual hook-up and you don’t want to go further with anyone until you’re in a committed relationship. Your pursuer says “Of course! Let’s take it slow. Have dinner with me again tomorrow?” and you say “yes!”
Number 1 calls you that evening and senses something is different. They quickly ask you out for another date later in the week and you agree.
Weeks 42-51: Soak it up (keep dating).
For the next couple of months it feels like a weight has been lifted. You are seeing two people that you really like and an old flame randomly (or was it so “random”?) slid into your DMs and asked you for coffee.
You recognize that you are in the zone and that your efforts are paying off. Nothing feels urgent and yet you clearly see that your life is moving in the right direction.
Week 52: The grand finale.
You have a date tonight with your “second” main pursuer, which you are really looking forward to. It’s been a few days since you heard from Number 1 but when you hear your phone ring, it’s them. Number 1 asks you for a spontaneous date tonight. Hmm… what will you do?
A little soul searching leads you to say “yes” to Number 1. You shake your head and smile—there’s just always been something about them. You let your Number 2 know that something significant has come up and you’re no longer available for your date tonight. Number 2 says they’ll get in touch to reschedule.
What do you think happens next? This could be your story and I don’t want to write the ending for you!
I’ll tell you that a few pieces of this story were inspired by my own dating journey. For me, this night ended with shared words of love and a promise to build a life together (a promise that we both kept).
A year is both a long and a short time. Although you never know exactly how things will happen, nothing in this story is far-fetched. Make it your own; make the most of the year ahead.