A common concern from the sort of women I work with sounds like this:
“I’ve been seeing someone for a few months and I really like him. We have fun together, there’s great chemistry, and we talk regularly. I’m just not sure if we are building something serious. I don’t want to pressure him, but I also don’t want to waste my time investing in something that isn’t going anywhere.”
Or the short version: Where is this relationship going?
Obviously we can’t predict the future, but this is still a valid question. After all, you do want to accurately read the signs coming from another person—so you can decide whether to give more or let the relationship go.
When I hear a concern along these lines, several avenues for exploration come to mind:
What is communication like between the two?
Has any level of commitment been explicitly discussed?
How far have they gone in terms of physical intimacy?
Depending on the situation, any or all of these directions may bear fruit.
However, there is one layer that is even more fundamental to the way relationships progress. It is the foundational layer of attachment.
(If you’ve recently read my post “How to build a healthy relationship right from the start (and avoid getting drawn into something toxic)”, you’ll find some of the core concepts on attachment re-introduced here, through a different lens.)
How Relationships Deepen
Chances are good that you’ve heard the word “attachment” before in the context of attachment styles: secure, anxious, or avoidant. I’ll ask you to tuck those ideas away for now because we’re going to look at attachment from a different perspective.
At its core, attachment means the pursuit and preservation of proximity. It’s a survival system built into all mammals to ensure that infants receive the care they need from their parents or other capable caregivers. Attachment encompasses not just physical proximity, but emotional and psychological intimacy as well; it’s how we hold others close, even when physically apart.
As we age, our attachment systems continue to be the bonding mechanism that enables us to form caring, beneficial relationships with others—including romantic partners.
You can think of it as emotional glue that gets progressively stickier if the right conditions are met.
In other words, attachment is what makes you want to have someone in your life—and vice versa. So if you’re desiring lifelong love and commitment, a deep sense of attachment between you and your partner is an absolute must.
“Where’s It Going?” Versus “Is It Growing?”
If you can understand what makes people feel close to one another, you’ll gain insight into whether your prospective relationship is on track for something deep and lasting. You’ll also find out what your part is in cultivating a healthy connection, so that you can approach dating with intention.
The great news is that this doesn’t require any awkward conversations, ultimatums, or coquettish manipulations. You’re about to learn what makes relationships deepen in the most genuine, authentic sense—and if that sort of deepening is happening with a man in your life, then you can be confident it’s worth nurturing the relationship further to see what grows.
What Does It Really Mean to Feel “Close” to Someone?
If you think about various relationships in your life—including with friends, family members, coworkers, dating partners, and so on—you can probably intuit how close you feel to any particular person. Let’s explore this sense of “closeness” a bit more formally using attachment theory. This will give us the language and core concepts we need to gain crucial insights into how relationships deepen.
From a Developmental Perspective
According to developmentalist Dr. Gordon Neufeld, attachment happens in six stages. His model of attachment describes how children are ideally meant to attach to their caregivers, over the first few years of life. In the realm of adults, the stages of attachment still apply but the context changes to relationships of reciprocal care (i.e., taking turns caring for one another at different times).
We’ll start by summarizing each stage in the developmental (infant-caregiver) context before applying the model to assessing and cultivating adult attachments.
Stage 1: Senses
Developmentally speaking, this is the first and most primitive form of attachment. It describes the need for an infant to be connected to their caregiver through sight, smell, sound, taste, and touch. Babies and young children need to have their caregivers in close physical proximity to feel safe.
Stage 2: Sameness
Sameness describes the drive for a child to be like their primary attachments; to imitate them, emulate them, and identify with them. This is the first way in which young children begin to hold their caregivers close to them, even when physically apart.
Stage 3: Belonging/Loyalty
The stage of belonging/loyalty describes the drive to be ‘a part of’ and ‘on the same side as.’ This is a needed ingredient for child-rearing because it motivates kids to follow their caregivers’ directions.
Stage 4: Significance
Developmentally, significance describes the drive for children to matter to their caregivers. It is the desire to be valued, special, and wanted. Even for young children, it takes vulnerability to seek significance from another—a desire to matter entails a risk of being rejected.
Stage 5: Love
In terms of developing attachment, love is the drive for emotional intimacy. It speaks to a child giving her tender heart to someone who she hopes will guard her from a wounding world.
Stage 6: Being Known
The final stage of attachment, being known, describes the drive for psychological intimacy. As a developmental progression, it is triggered by a child’s alarming realization that he possesses a secret inner world, hidden from his caregivers—unless and until he chooses to reveal it.
How Does Closeness Develop in Romantic Relationships?
If you reflect on your adult relationships, the names and descriptions of the stages above might already resonate. We generally like to be around those we care about, share the things we have in common, feel included and as though we matter, etc.
Let’s revisit each stage in more depth with an eye to what they mean for you and your dating partner. Not only should this reveal whether you are actually growing closer, but it will also show what is required of you if you want your relationship to progress.
Stage 1: Senses—The Chemistry of Closeness
In the context of romantic relationships, your senses give you the most straightforward way of determining whether you have chemistry with someone. Does he look good, smell good, sound good? Do you want him to touch you?
Interestingly, in the age of online dating, what was once taken for granted in the early stages of the courtship process—being in the physical presence of a prospective partner—often becomes lost or delayed. People jump to exploring compatibility, developing emotional connections, and “unmatching” candidates before even meeting face-to-face.
When people do get together for a date, many still use digital communication as their primary means of staying in touch—which doesn’t foster much real intimacy.
There is simply nothing that can replace being in the presence of someone and exploring how you feel when you’re together. Not only is it the best way to assess chemistry, it’s also a necessary investment into your developing attachment.
Focus on the Eyes
As you might guess, simply spending time in each other’s presence is not enough to deepen attraction and connection. There are a couple of key pieces to keep in mind when together, one of which is the importance of eye contact.
There is a special connection that happens through the eyes. Eye contact indicates whether we are welcomed by another. This is true at the level of parents having a twinkle in their eye as they adore their children—through to cultural traditions of greeting one another—through to flirting by making extended eye contact—through to deepening a connection by the warmth of your gaze.
So put away your phone and work on overcoming your tendency to look away. Amp up the connection by coming back to a man’s eyes with soft, inviting eye contact.
Give Him Something to Hold On To
How many times in the movies, romance novels, or your own real life can you remember hearing things like: “I still remember the way she looked in that dress” or “The smell of his cologne was intoxicating” or “I miss the warmth of her body next to mine”?
Our attachment systems give us ways to hold on to others when apart. This is true even at the sensory level if we cultivate this type of attachment with intention. All that’s really needed is to treat your man’s senses in a consistent way that can be associated with you. Whether it’s your signature scent, your shiny lip gloss, the soft fabrics you wear… whatever it is, do it consistently enough that he has something sensual to recall when you’re not in his immediate presence.
(And if that sounds a bit sly to you, keep in mind it’s completely normal and fulfilling to build attachment like this. Think of a mother leaving behind a scented sheet for her baby to snuggle into or the fond childhood memories of your favourite home-cooked meal.)
A Caveat on His Pursuit
After discussing the foundational importance of the senses in building a connection, it’s natural to assume that the more time he wants to be in your physical presence, the better. And yes, this resonates for those phases when a man is in hot pursuit of you. However, there is an important caveat that is relevant to the early stages of dating.
A man’s process for falling in love often looks like pursuit followed by distance, then renewed pursuit, then distance, and so on—until a committed relationship has been negotiated.
There are many reasons for this ranging from a man needing time to process his feelings, to him settling back into routines around work and pastimes, to him wanting to get his personal affairs in order before taking on the responsibility of a relationship.
There is more that can be delved into on this issue, but for now simply note that some irregularity in his pursuit early on is not necessarily a sign that the relationship is stagnating; in fact, it can very well be an indication that his feelings are deepening.
Stage 2: Sameness—A Celebration of Similarity
It’s an instant delight to discover you have something in common with a prospective romantic partner. Whether it’s the same taste in music, a similar personal history, or a shared excitement for travel, we naturally feel connected when we say “Me too!” and identify the ways we are alike.
Indeed, while our young, developing attachments centre around the drive to be similar to those who care for us, it’s also true that experiencing sameness with someone can create a sense of connection.
Sameness is a fascinating layer of attachment because, on the one hand, it’s a simple litmus test for connection: Do we have anything in common? On the other hand, it also comes with the risk of projecting too much compatibility based on somewhat superficial commonalities.
How Comfortable Are Each of You With Sameness?
When trying to discern the progress of your romantic connection, one thing to pay attention to is how he responds to the things you have in common. If you bring up a similarity, does he respond with warmth—or push back to reassert his separateness?
For your part, be on guard not to fall into the habit of being the contrarian or devil’s advocate. Of course you want to be authentic, but there’s a real communication trap around nitpicking, chronically disagreeing, or empathically taking on everyone else’s point of view besides your partner’s.
It’s also important to intentionally put time into the things you know you have in common. As a relationship progresses, it can be easy to let shared interests or pastimes fall by the wayside—however, doing things you both sincerely enjoy is important for making sure you stay in “Iike” with each other.
Last, you can also build closeness by being curious about your partner’s interests. There is certainly a time to stay grounded in your own self and maintain your individuality—but if there are certain passions of his that you are open to exploring, it might be an opportunity for you to enter his world while developing a new interest of your own.
Stage 3: Belonging/Loyalty—The Way We Fit
The belonging/loyalty stage of attachment follows naturally from the sameness stage. The identification of similarities now extends to belonging to the same groups and sharing the same values; in other words, do you see yourselves as being on the same team?
Beyond this, it captures an intuitive sense of whether you “fit” together: How does it feel to pass time together? Do you accept each other’s lifestyles, hobbies, friends, viewpoints, and idiosyncrasies? Are you starting to feel like you belong with one another?
Loyalty is also part of this stage—once you see yourselves as a unit working together within the world, trust begins to take on new meaning: “Can I trust you to have my back?” In other words, “if we are going to be a team, then I need to be able to count on you.”
Are You Invited?
When trying to discern if your relationship is progressing or has progressed to the stage of belonging/loyalty, one question to explore is whether he is inviting you into his world. This doesn’t have to look like any specific thing, but some examples include wanting to introduce you to his friends and family, sharing some of his interests with you, or bringing you as a date to some of his regular activities or hang out spots.
A healthy deepening at this stage entails seeing how you each fit into one another’s lives. It’s part of a genuine exploration of compatibility.
Fostering a Sense of Belonging
At the same time, there are things you can do to give your connection the best chance of strengthening. As with the sameness stage, you can intentionally invest in whatever groups or affiliations you have in common (e.g., church, cultural community, hobby clubs, etc.).
It’s also crucial to be honest about your values about deeper topics like spirituality, politics, your views on family life and child-rearing, etc. It’s not necessary to be combative with your opinions, but you do need to be authentic so that you can both gain an accurate assessment of how your views align.
When it comes to developing loyalty, remember that trust is built by keeping your word time and time again. Show yourself to be a dependable person. Also be sure to speak respectfully to and about your partner when in group settings—this conveys the message that you support him and are on his team.
Stage 4: Significance—The Desire to Matter
In romantic relationships, the stage of significance encompasses the desire to matter to your partner. It’s the wish to be valued, cherished, and wanted. At this stage, you may notice it’s getting harder and harder to imagine your future without the other person—and you want them to feel the same way about you.
This attachment stage is important as it bridges the gaps in our deeper differences. Sameness and belonging are wonderfully connecting, but what happens when you really do have conflicting views or compatibility issues? You can move through disagreements with someone when you see the bigger picture of how you are important in each other’s lives.
Is He Using the Language of Significance?
During a courtship, it’s usually not so hard to infer whether you are significant to your partner. He may say things like “What would I do without you?” or “You’re so important to me.” He’ll likely also include you in his “future talk,” indicating he’s imagining having you in his life down the road.
A word of caution: it’s common for people to talk like this when they are caught up in the chemistry and excitement of a new relationship (you might remember yourself imagining wedding venues or baby names after promising dates in the past…).
This is where the stages of attachment can really serve to ground you. Have you already spent a good deal of time together (senses), had fun connecting over the things you have in common (sameness), and explored your compatibility on deeper issues (belonging/loyalty)?
If not, it might be best to step back. If he’s the one laying it on thick (and your gut says it’s earnest excitement), try to set your vibes to something like “That’s flattering and I hope we get there someday.”
When You Sense You’re Really Starting to Matter
If you do feel your relationship has been genuinely deepening in meaningful ways, then it might be your time to get a bit more vulnerable. It’s not always easy to accept that we really matter to someone, that they need and want us.
If he tells you that you’re an important person in his life—how does it make you feel? Do you feel the same way towards him, and if so, do you tell him as much? When he includes you in his future plans, do you roll your eyes, or make no comment because you’re scared to take him seriously? Or do you get on board and encourage him with your enthusiasm?
As a relationship starts, it’s totally normal to have some defenses—and it’s healthy to have boundaries. It’s also true that as a relationship progresses, you may be challenged to soften your heart so that intimacy can grow.
Stage 5: Love—Emotional Closeness
Speaking of a soft heart, that’s exactly what the fifth stage of attachment is about. In this context, love is the drive for emotional intimacy.
In one sense, love is a culmination of the previous stages of attachment. But more than this, love is built on caring; that is, warm, tender feelings that go hand-in-hand with the desire to to take care of (and be taken care of by) another.
This takes softness. Real love has a gentleness to it—the awe at having found something precious.
It also takes vulnerability. Love requires you to take the risk of offering your emotions to be held carefully by another.
Are You Thinking About the Other Side of Love?
Love can be a funny thing to “assess” and here’s why. We all tend to look for signs from the other person to see if they love us—how they treat us and what they say. And yes, 100%, these things matter and they are very different when a person is in love with you versus not in love with you.
But here’s the thing: what’s equally important is whether you are able to feel love. Because if your heart is closed, then no matter how many flowers he brings, hugs he gives, or words of affection he says, it will never really feel like it’s enough.
This is what it means to say that love requires a soft heart. It requires enough vulnerability to allow yourself to feel love.
Depending on your upbringing or personal experience, you may have put up emotional shields to protect yourself. Undoubtedly, those shields served an important purpose in your life. Whether they serve you today—and with whom and in what contexts they are needed—may be your work to do.
How Do You Really Feel?
Beyond all other stages, this is the time to ask yourself how you feel when you are together. It’s not about what you think is true, but what you feel is true. Do you feel that you are loved and cared for? Do you feel love and warmth towards your partner?
The more you sit with those questions, the more you’ll realize that having a softness of heart is needed to authentically share your emotional world—which is exactly what deepens feelings of closeness, intimacy, and tender love.
Stage 6: Being Known—Sharing Your Inner World With Another
You might imagine that love would be at the very pinnacle of attachment; yet, according to Dr. Neufeld’s model, the final stage is “being known.” He describes this as the stage of psychological intimacy: a deep mental and emotional connection where you and your partner can safely share your innermost thoughts, feelings, and private experiences.
And truly, what allows you to feel closer to someone than sharing more and more of your inner world?
When you can show your true self to someone and be held warmly, without judgment, the sense of distance between you and the other melts away.
It is the essence of closeness to feel that someone else sees you in the same way that you see yourself.
Of course, it also requires more vulnerability than any of the other stages: to risk sharing yourself honestly, without reservation, is to risk being rejected for who you really are.
When He Discloses “Too Much”
Intuitively, it makes sense that we would share our most private thoughts and feelings with the people we are closest with. After we have experimented with sharing some of our smaller vulnerabilities and developed a trusting relationship, we feel more ready to share our deeper feelings and authentic selves.
But here’s where “being known” can be a bit tricky. Even in the earlier stages of a relationship, some people feel comfortable sharing personal details fairly quickly. This isn’t necessarily a red flag—everyone has a different comfort level with sharing their inner world. However, if your new partner is openly disclosing personal information with you, something to be mindful of is: How does it make you feel?
As with the previous stages of attachment, if someone “jumps ahead” and starts behaving in accordance with a later stage, it’s natural to feel close to that person, even if the relationship hasn’t really developed to that level. So he tells you his secrets and that makes you feel like you’re his special woman—but actually he just happens to have loose boundaries and his disclosure doesn’t reflect a deeper level of shared intimacy.
When He Discloses “Too Little”
Sometimes it’s the case that rather than sharing more than what’s appropriate, you sense your partner shares too little. He seems closed off. Such a person may not be comfortable sharing his inner world due to the vulnerability it entails, as mentioned above.
Again, rather than marking this as a red flag, you can start by just noting it and seeing how it evolves. While it is indicative of emotional maturity in a sense, it can take time (on the scale of years) for people to feel safe enough to open up. Sharing the authentic self is a long journey of healing and growth for many.
What Can You Do?
For your part, you can help cultivate this stage of attachment by being warm and considerate when someone your partner does share his private world with you, even in little ways.
Of course, it’s also worth looking at your own level of development in this area. Do you tend to “overshare” with people you don’t know very well? Or is it difficult for you to disclose your private thoughts and feelings, even with someone you trust?
I believe the “being known” stage of attachment is best thought of as the soul’s longing to be seen by another. One of the greatest rewards of growing a real and meaningful connection with another is that we may have the opportunity to grant our soul its deepest desire—and to offer that gift to another.
Conclusion
If you’re involved in a romantic courtship or relationship and feel uncertain as to where things are going, you are certainly not alone. The biggest mistakes to avoid are pressuring your partner to move things forward or giving up on the relationship completely.
Prior to taking any risky actions, you can first assess the strength of your connection by considering the stages of attachment. Knowing that emotional closeness will never be perfectly linear, you can still look at which stage you are roughly in and how much you have invested in the underlying stages. Have you skipped any stages or felt blocked in your efforts to connect in certain ways?
Adult attachments flow in both directions, between two people. Your role is not only to discern whether he is preventing your relationship from progressing, but also to do your part in creating the right conditions for attachment to grow.
Regardless of where your relationship is at, you can always invest in it by bolstering the earlier stages of attachment. This is as true for courtship as it is for a long-term relationship where the closeness has begun to wane.
The right question for today might not be “Where is this relationship going?” but instead: “What can I do to help our relationship grow?”
Want to apply these ideas to your personal situation? Contact me about coaching!