(And Is There a Cure!?)
You want real love, there’s just one little problem… the men you’re most attracted to don’t seem to give you what you need. Are they emotionally unavailable—or is something else blocking your chances at love? Let’s explore what might be going on (and how to break the cycle).
What Does It Even Mean?
What exactly is an emotionally unavailable man? If you sent him to a psychiatrist, would he receive a diagnosis for this condition? No, “emotionally unavailable” is not currently found in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders… which means that it doesn’t have a clinical definition.
Colloquially, an emotionally unavailable man is someone who cannot—or will not—share a deep emotional connection.
I find it to be an interesting definition because it’s unclear whether the man is emotionally unavailable to everyone or just certain women. You may be able to think of an example of a partnered man who was supposedly emotionally unavailable—only for him to exit his relationship and then go on to find the love of his life (with whom he seems to have no trouble being emotionally available).
Semantics aside, let’s look at your situation: the men you are attracted to are seemingly not available to you. They can’t (or won’t) see you for who you really are, attach to you, love you, choose you, and ultimately commit to you.
So what’s going on here: Is it them? Is it you? Or is it something about your dynamic with men?
Let’s consider the different possibilities.
Possibility 1: It’s Them.
If you’ve been attracted to or involved with emotionally unavailable men, it’s natural to wonder if there are a lot of them out there. A quick search on the Internet would seem to suggest today’s dating scene is flooded with them.
Personally, I’m not so sure. The framework offered by Dr. Pat Allen (therapist and author) on masculine and feminine ways of relating provides valuable insight.
Masculinity and Femininity
Dr. Allen contends that intimacy has the best chances of growing when there is one primarily feminine-energy partner (whether male or female) and one masculine-energy partner.
Feminine energy encompasses: the 3 key traits of being passive, patient, and vulnerable; a tendency to relate through receiving, being available, and respecting her partner’s thinking; a primary intention to invest in a relationship.
In contrast, masculine energy encompasses: the 3 key traits of being competitive, conquering, and controlling; the tendency to relate through giving, protecting, and cherishing his partner’s feelings; a primary intention to provide money and pursue sex.
(Of course, it’s not one of the other: we all have masculine and feminine qualities and relate from these different energies in different contexts.)
Looking through these qualities, which side of the energetic spectrum is more likely to be emotionally available? Vulnerability, availability, investment in the relationship… these feminine characteristics sound more “emotionally available” to me.
What Are You Really Looking For?
Yet, most of the women I work with feel certain they don’t want a predominantly feminine man. There might be a contradiction here.
On the one hand, you want a masculine man who is assertive, decisive, ambitious, knows what he wants, is willing to go after it, and will take care of your needs while cherishing your feelings.
On the other hand, you also want him to be emotionally available. This is where that stickiness about the definition of “emotionally un/available” comes in
If emotional availability is indicated by things like: a readiness to share his inner emotional world, the qualities of patience and understanding, an ability to intuit your emotional needs, and a relationship-first focus—you might actually be looking for a host of traits that would typically show up in a feminine-energy partner.
“No, I Swear It’s Him!”
We’ll look more at how masculine and feminine dynamics might affect the trajectory of your relationships below.
But to close off the question of “Is it him?” it’s only fair to consider the possibility that the men you’ve been attracted to really are in some sense generally “shut down” and not available for deep connection.
One thing to pay attention to is how a man you are interested in connects with other people. Does he have strong friendships? Is he close to his family? You can even pay attention to how he interacts with service providers like a waiter or barista (does he seem genuine, fake, or avoidant?).
If he has some healthy, close relationships then you can at least infer he is capable of forming meaningful bonds. This doesn’t guarantee it will translate to his intimate relationships, but it at least suggests the potential for healthy attachment is there.
And if he doesn’t seem to be close with anyone or generally just gives off the aura that he is avoidant or unavailable, then perhaps it’s more curious to consider why you are getting involved with him in the first place…
Possibility 2: It’s You.
If you keep getting involved with emotionally unavailable men, chances are you’ve considered the possibility that you have something to do with this repeating pattern.
Here are some off-the-cuff ideas for what could be going on:
- Deep down, you don’t hold yourself in very high regard. As a result, you lose respect (and attraction) for anyone who actually likes you.
- “Daddy issues.” For example, your father was emotionally unavailable when you were young, so now you are stuck trying to “prove” yourself loveable by finally winning over an emotionally unavailable man.
- You’re not emotionally available—so you feel safest with men when you (subconsciously) see that there is no chance of a real relationship developing.
I think many of us resonate at least in part with these challenges or similar issues. If you strongly relate, therapy or some other healing work will probably be helpful.
That’s not to say you can’t continue dating as you heal. On the contrary, continuing to have dating experiences as you increase your awareness of your own challenges and patterns can often ramp up your personal growth.
What’s helpful is to have a set of guardrails in place for yourself as you date. This idea is borrowed from therapist and author Dr. Robert Weiss, who specializes in the treatment of sexual addiction and intimacy disorders.
Bad Pickers
Dr. Weiss outlines the concept of having a “broken picker;” that is, the internal compass that steers you towards whom to get involved with is skewed. That’s why you keep choosing—for example—unavailable partners again and again.
If you suspect you have a broken picker, you can come up with a set of red flags, yellow flags, and green flags to help you with your dating.
This includes signals that suggest whether a person may be emotionally unavailable or not (e.g., a red flag could be that he is still involved with an ex, a yellow flag that he doesn’t ask you any questions about your life, and a green flag that he checks in with you about your feelings on his ideas or plans).
Then, when you meet someone you really have chemistry with and your brain goes all scrambled-eggs, you’ll have a pre-existing, objective list to refer to.
What makes this extra powerful is to involve your trusted friends; they can hold you accountable to your list of flags and also use their own judgment to give you feedback.
Personal Guidelines Are Protective
What can also help is to have guidelines that will keep you on course for what you truly want.
Things like waiting to be in a committed relationship before having intercourse or requiring a concrete symbol of engagement before living with someone. These are your requirements, not fodder for manipulation or ultimatums. They can be tremendously protective against things like situationships.
It might sound bland or forced, but when you are truly stuck in repeating patterns, sometimes it takes a bit of semi-contrived structure to free you (instead of relying on willpower or luck).
Now if you think you’ve already done plenty of self-work or it just doesn’t seem like that’s the whole story, it will help to consider the last option…
Possibility 3: It’s the Dynamic.
Of all the possibilities, I find the dynamic—that is, the way that you relate to and communicate with the men you’re involved with—to be the most ripe. Tweaking your behaviours and communication can create significant changes in how you feel with men and how they respond to you.
Returning to Dr. Allen’s framework for applying masculine and feminine energy to intimate partnerships, I’ll again highlight the idea that intimacy grows best when there is one (primarily) masculine energy partner and one feminine energy partner.
It’s a bit like a partner dance: if both people try to lead the dance (akin to two masculine energies), they end up stepping on each other’s toes; if both try to follow (akin to two feminine energies), they go nowhere.
The Dance Affects His (and Your) Emotions
This matters in the case of understanding patterns with emotionally unavailable men. What is sometimes interpreted as a man being emotionally unavailable can actually be a failure for intimacy to grow because of a problem with the dance.
He isn’t able to tap into his deeper feelings because his masculine energy isn’t being met with a complementary feminine energy. So he either gets turned off because he doesn’t want to compete with a masculine partner in his relationship—or he moves into his feminine energy, which doesn’t feel good to you.
Just a few examples of what this can look like in practice:
- He starts to pursue you… and you pursue him equally in return with texts, calls, and invitations to go out.
- He tries to hook up with you… and you go for it because you find him attractive (even though you’re also looking for a serious relationship).
- He seems totally fine with being in a situationship with you… and you keep going with the flow in the hopes that he’ll eventually develop feelings or make a commitment.
All these scenarios are common. If they seem familiar, it might indicate that for one reason or another (your upbringing, societal conditioning, etc.), you are showing up with a fair bit of masculine energy in your relationships.
And that can stifle the potential for a real romance to develop.
What does it look like if he starts pursuing you from his masculine energy and you respond with masculine energy in return?
- He pursues you less and waits for you to come to him.
- He takes what he can get (sex, attention, affection) simply because it feels good and he assumes you feel the same way.
- He can’t get in touch with his deeper feelings for you because there wasn’t space for him to step into his most giving, protecting, and cherishing self (which is the man he ultimately wants to be).
And what does all that sound like…? He has become emotionally unavailable to you. It’s not that there’s anything defective about him (or you), it’s that love didn’t have a proper chance to grow.
So Is There a Cure?
If I was going to offer one simple, tangible “cure” to getting involved with emotionally unavailable men it would be this: keep dating. But don’t do it haphazardly, do it with some intentional structure.
If you’re consistently drawn to people who “just aren’t that into you,” you might need to recalibrate your own sense of what you are into.
One way you can do that is to begin treating dating as a practice.
Open yourself to accepting dates from all sorts of men, including those to whom you don’t feel initially attracted. (Of course, we are just talking about socially dating here, not physical intimacy.)
Maybe that makes you wince, but the benefits are tremendous. The goal isn’t that you eventually become attracted to a lacklustre man and “settle,” it’s that you gain exposure to how different men treat you.
Even if you don’t have chemistry with a man, you can still notice how it feels when he opens the door for you, pays you nice compliments, or smiles at your jokes.
(And yes, admittedly, there is also a chance that if you give an unlikely candidate a couple of dates, you might discover some chemistry that was initially dormant.)
Recalibrate Your Standards
Over time, it will feel normal for you to be treated well by men and you’ll start to naturally filter out those who aren’t available to give you what you need.
Once you begin treating dating as a practice, it will also help you continue dating even if one particular man starts to gain your attention.
This is one of the best ways to prevent getting stuck in a situationship; by continuing to date many men until you’ve negotiated a committed relationship with one single man, you’re proving to yourself that you are still open to and looking for real love.
“Practice” Dating Allows for Experimentation
Last, it’s helpful to give yourself the space and freedom to experiment with your dating.
How does it feel to do less pursuing and what does that look like for you? How does it feel to assertively communicate the boundaries that support your needs? How does it feel to play with your feminine side, get dolled up, let him take the lead, and just relax into the experience?
These are just some examples: it’s up to you to decide how you want to show up on your dates and in your relationships.
Ultimately, setting some objective guidelines for yourself and making congruent behavioural tweaks is a solid strategy for busting old patterns.
And it is totally worth the effort. Once you start dating and relating with men who are emotionally available for you, you’ll never go back.
Keen to apply these ideas to your own situation? Work with me.