And What Can I Do About It?
You’ve been putting yourself out there in earnest for a bit: you’ve got an online profile, you’re going out on dates, you’re being friendly when you’re out and about.
But man after man after man is just… not for you. Many are kind, and some of them seem quite interested—but after about 5 minutes of chatting it seems obvious to you that it’s not a fit.
Why does it seem like the only men you like are unavailable? And why can’t you muster up any feelings for that decent guy who has been hanging around you for months?
Let’s figure out why you don’t seem to want the men who want you, so that you can bust out of this broken cycle.
The Issues
If you aren’t able to connect with a good man whom you like and who likes you back, then you’ve probably got two major problems on your hands:
- You’re attracting men whom you aren’t interested in.
- You’re not attracting the men whom you ARE interested in.
Two problems isn’t too much to handle. Let’s do this.
Issue 1: You’re drawing in duds.
You may have heard in various self-growth contexts something like “You attract people who are at your level/are reflections of you/carry the lesson you need/etc.”
That isn’t quite right.
There is truth in there when talking about the people whom you form real relationships with, but at the very beginning stages of flirting and dating: you might attract anybody!
We’ve all gotten catcalls and strange people talking to us on the bus.
And that’s one end of a spectrum. It grades into people who give you lots of attention at the bar when you’re clearly uninterested—and to men who seem keen to have a second date with you when you spent the whole first date planning your fastest (polite) escape.
Much of this is not personal. Here are a few things to keep in mind.
For one, there are definitely some people out there who don’t really pay attention to social cues or gentlemanly protocols. Let’s just acknowledge that.
It’s also worth noting that the experience of chemistry is different for men and women (and yes, it’s fair to say we’re talking at Mars and Venus levels of generality here).
Men are visual; they’ll pursue when they like what they see.
Women often experience mental chemistry first. If he doesn’t outright turn you off physically, you’ll be looking for signs that he’s intriguing to you in some way.
Which criteria do you think is harder to meet—physical or mental attractiveness?
If you’re not sure, I’ll share this image I still remember from a couple of decades ago. A friend of mine showed me how he used dating apps: he glanced at profile pictures and swiped Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, No, Yes, Yes… It was in stark contrast to how my female friends used them: meticulously reading through profiles and hesitantly swiping Yes every so often when a man seemed funny and competent. You get the point.
On top of this, many men will pursue women for physical gratification first and worry about relationships later (or not)… whereas a relationship-minded woman is already assessing long-term potential in the first date.
These asymmetries partly explain why men may seem eager for more when you’re already thinking pass.
Masculine and Feminine Dynamics
What’s a little more interesting is the type of “energy” you’re presenting when you relate to men. I’ll discuss this using ideas on masculinity and femininity from Dr. Pat Allen (therapist and author).
Are you showing up as competitive, conquering, and controlling (i.e., a predominantly masculine energy) or passive, patient, and vulnerable (i.e. a predominantly feminine energy)?
All people have both masculine and feminine dimensions within them, but much of today’s “work hard, take charge, get things done” culture pushes women far into their masculine energy. That’s great for the workplace, but what happens when you take that demeanour into the dating world?
For one thing, you’ll tend to be a magnet for men with the complementary energy: feminine.
Are you attracted to feminine men? Many of the women I work with say No.
While they of course want to be respected for their thoughts and decision-making prowess (their masculine “do good to feel good” energy), when it comes to romantic relationships, their deeper desire is to feel safe and adored (their feminine “feel good to do good” energy).
The dance is a little tricky at first. If both you and your partner try to take the lead with masculine energy, you’ll be stepping on each other’s toes. If you both sit back and wait to be led, you’ll go nowhere. And if each of you is switching back and forth between masculine and feminine energy, it will be less of a dance and more of a mosh pit.
The dance of intimacy works best when one person is primarily in the masculine role with the other primarily in the feminine (and role swaps are negotiated with intention).
You might have to do some introspective work to consider what energy you primarily want to relate from and whether you want to experiment with making some authentic adjustments.
But if you find yourself surrounded by straight, single men who act more like gal pals than suitors, there’s a good chance you’ve often been showing up in your masculine suit.
Relational Wounding
We won’t deep-dive into this here, but it’s worth putting on your radar that relational wounds from your childhood or past relationships might also be coming into play.
If the good, stable, masculine gentlemen in your life just seem too boring OR too scary, it could be a sign that your internal intimate partner picker (try saying that 3 times fast!) is skewed. If you think you’re chronically attracted to emotionally unavailable men, that warrants deeper investigation as well.
Structured healing work like therapy is an option for this, as is “practice dating” (i.e., socially dating many men to recalibrate your standards and nervous system).
This is not at all to say that the goal is to settle for someone who really is boring or end up with someone you’re not comfortable with. The goal is always to find the right man for you! Sometimes raising your awareness of the subconscious factors at play will get you there faster.
Issue 2: You’re NOT drawing in the doctors or cowboys.
In the aforementioned issue, we acknowledged that you might very well attract anybody and everybody into your orbit. But shouldn’t that include the type of men you like?
If you’re often flirting from your masculine energy, then not only will you be pulling in feminine men, but you might also accidentally be pushing away the the type of men you’re interested in.
Just as your true desire may be for a masculine gentleman, his desire is for a feminine woman.
How Do You Present as a Feminine Woman?
A masculine man initially picks a woman with his eyes. If you are showing off your sensuality when you go out (by wearing tasteful clothes and makeup that emphasize your best features), you may catch his glance.
A glance is one thing. Are you holding his eye contact to invite him to come over? If he does head your way, are you starting up a conversation or letting him take the lead? Are you suggesting you grab a coffee sometime or waiting for him to ask?
In our modern culture, these ideas might seem old-fashioned or unimportant. However, this traditional courtship dance is well-aligned with our instincts.
A masculine man will feel good about himself after steeling up the courage to approach you, start a conversation, and ask you out. A feminine man will prefer that you take charge and set the pace for how things go.
Similarly, a feminine woman will feel good when she feels noticed and pursued. A masculine woman will prefer to be in control of the situation.
So if you want to draw in more men who you have a higher chance of being interested in, you might need to shift how you are showing up.
When Attraction Loses Its Lustre
These dynamics play out beyond the initial courtship phase as well. As two people get more comfortable with each other, they forget about being on their “best behaviour.” The tendency is to switch haphazardly between masculine and feminine relating.
While this may feel like the easiest path, it typically dulls intimacy. This partly explains those cases where the attraction fades and frustration builds in longer-term commitments; or in other words, why you may go from wanting him to not wanting him over time.
The good news is that this isn’t some sort of fated destiny for your relationships. You have the power to affect how you show up as a woman and partner.
So What’s the Way Out?
If you often find you’re not into the men who express interest in you, take a deep breath: it’s normal. Chemistry can’t be created from nothing. It’s not your job to like someone you’re not attracted to.
What you want to ensure is that you’re not undermining your chances at real connection. Take some time to reflect on which side of yourself you want to share with a romantic partner. Could inverted masculine and feminine energies be affecting your relationship dynamics?
You can try experimenting with how you flirt and speak with men. Does a more feminine, feeling-centred approach cause men to respond differently to you? How does it make you feel?
Over time, it becomes less about forcing things to work and more about filtering. Your heartfelt needs and desires will help you be selective in the right way—until the man standing before you is the man you’ll love and keep.
Want tailored insights on how to break this pattern in your life? Contact me, I can help.